Why does it hurt.....

As I sit here in my bed,alone crying my eyes out,waiting for you to show up,I tell my self its okay he will come home to youBut when you get here you get undressed and go to sleep fast. But not before you tell me how fun your night was. I am sooo sick of being so nice to be stepped on. He makes me feel special to only make me cry harder. You know i feel so bad about the way I look and I just wish it would all go away.I tell you i want to do something about it and yet again you hurt me. Telling me I am not going to do it but for maybe a week. Can't you see through me?Can't you see i am hurting?No you can not. You see laughs and smiles but inside there are frons and tears. Read me and you will see the true me. You will see a sad little girl that needs love. Everyone says I am spoiled and get what I want but that is not true.Everything i have is NOT mine it is his.He gets it all and I get the dark. I am the one that sees the real you. No one else sees it. But they all get treated different. You know i would not care if you would put me first. But no its always they need this and that..and i will smile for them even tho i came home with a fron. I get all the baddd and they get the good. I have to cook,clean,do laundry,wake him up for work,send our daughter to school,get groceries...everything!!! And they get his attention....I just wish I could have it all.

Ughh I just am so tired...I drink to hide the pain and sleep to hide the boredom and cry to let it alll out........I just wanna crawl up into a hole and never return. We both know you can not live without me and me without you. i just wanna screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Struggles We Go Through

So many thing we go through in life that we wonder why. You sit around and you wonder if you had just did something different if you could of had waht you wanted. I sit here and wonder what it is that i did wrong. Why is it that everyone has what i want and need so bad. I have distance myself from people that has what i need. It is not fair that I cant have it. I wish that things would so work out for me in the way i want it . I am in love with them man of my dreams and i have a wonderful daughter that i love with all my heart but my life is not full. It is missing something that yet to be filled.It can not be filled because it is not able to be filled. I will have a empty place until i can fill it.

I was almost able to fill it. It took me 2 months to finally see that it was not going to be filled. @ months of hoping that it would be filled and then it works against me yet again. It will never happen for me and I watch all my friends fill there lives and extremely happy. I just want to crawl in a hole and not leave it. I try to put myself with others to make my life seem full but it only last until they are gone. Others dont like to be near me for long.They always leave me and i am back to being wanting more. I a, empty and want to be full. How can I fill this emptiness that will never be filled the way i need it to be filled?No one will never know......

I am not a religous person.I was at one point. I went to church every sunday and wednesday. I went to school with my bible. But then the time that I needed him the most he wasnt there to save me. I got raped and where was GOD? Letting him do that to me. Was he teaching me for all the wrong i had done?What was he doing? You know i ahve held in for 6 years about my rape. Because I was ashamed. I have always been ashamed of it. I dropped charges because I knew it was all my fault. I let the man in my house. I let the man lay next to me and even wanted him. Until I closed my eyes and seen SW in my head and I didnt want to do it anymore. He didnt take to the no. He went on and raped me and when i told him no he still did it. When i told him not to ejaculate in me he did it anyways. When he was done he layed down and didnt seem like nothing was wrong. I felt so nasty and all i did was cry wishing SW would show up and save me. Wishing GOD would send him to me but yet again there was no GOD.

I finally meet the love of my life and what happens...GOD blesses us without the oppirtunity of having kids. YAY!!!!That is what we wanted GOD. We wanted to be able to NOT have kids. Yes GOD we wanted to only have one and thats all.Yes GOD you did it........

There is no GOD. There is not anything that can help us but medicine. If there was a GOD then he wouldnt of let that guy rape me and he would bless us with a child. If there is a GOD then we would have it all. We wouldnt have to wish things would happen.

Why does guys have to say the worst thing ever to you just to upset you to make there night right? Its like they are not happy til you are in tears. Its so stupid, when they are sick they want you to wait on them hand and foot but when you are sick its a totally different story.You still have to wait on them hand and foot. At the begining of the relationship,they do everything for you. They always put you first.No matter what you are the number one. Then after a year of you being number one then you become in the back and he is up front. The whole first year you do stuff to help him out and he takes advantage of it. So after the year he wants it allllll the time.

He wants his clothes ironed for work,his coffee made,breakfast for him.....But when it comes to you then what do you get???When do you get breakfast when you wake up,ironned clothes,hot coffee in the morning???NEVER....When does the husband do stuff for the wife???NEVER.....Until yall are fighting and he tells you I DON"T CARE....OMG that is the worst thing ever to say and they all know it.

Ok you dont care that im hungry,you dont care that i am sick...WTF...Why you you not care about the women in your life?The person that puts food in ur plate,cleans your house,washes your clothes,cleans your car on sunday when you have to get ready for the next work week.....

relationships

I have been through many relationships and none of them were ever the same. I have always been a jealous person.I never like for my BFs to have gfs. I would get so mad at them if they talked to girls. I guess i grew up because when i got with my ex i didnt care who he talked to nor what he did.All i did was wait at home for him to call and thats all.When i dont care is when he cheats and we split up.Then he breaks up with that girl and comes crawling back and what do i do take him back.....



Then I met my hubby and we was good friends. That is all we could be at the time because we both had someone else in our lives. I left my man before Christmas in 04 because it was not working out. Me and my hubby still talked and hung out. He said he was not happy with his gf even though he still told her he loved her and all the good stuff. I did not want to hurt anyone but there was just something about him that I could not let go.

I was so unhappy at first because he told me that he was going to leave her but he didn't want to hurt her. We battled it for a long time. I even tried to make my life happy by seeing if i could work it out with my ex. Then New Years 05 I had my ex come over and spend time with his daughter and he got drunk and high and raped me. That was it for him.

Took me a week to tell SW. I felt dirty and felt it was my fault. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and forget about it.Then SW came to see me and he knew something was wrong with me so I told him. After i told him then everyone found out. He wanted to kill him and I don't blame him. I tried to press charges but the cop convience me that is was not a good idea cause the guys would end up fighting. You know the worst thing I did was wait. I should of called the cops when he did it. Then He wouldn't of been about to think he got away from it.

After that we moved to another house. In 06 SW ex left back to new mexico and that is when we official started to date(i guess you can say that). We had been waiting for this and we still barely seen eachother. We both lived with our parents and no car or anything. We moved to angleton and I got to see him more and more.

Then the worst thing to happen to me happened....She came back to texas. I thought I lost him. He would be with her more then me. I moved into my own place and he would be with her instead of me. It hurt me so bad but i figured if it was worth this pain and trouble then its the real thing. In 07 he got a job and he went to live with his brother. He would come down on the weekends to see me. That lasted for 3 weeks til his first payday and we got an apt and moved in together.

It is all worth it. You never know who you are suppose to be with and if you stick through all the pain and hurt and its ment to be then you will be happy in the end.

Cambria

My daughter is growing up so fast on me. She will be 7 in 5 months. OMG i can not believe how big she is sometimes. Sometimes I miss them days when she needed me fo everything. Needed me to feed her,Needed me to bathe her. When she was gone for this past week I missed her like crazy. I was alking in walmart and walked by the school supplies and was like OMG she will be in first grade this year!!!

Cambria has not seen her real father since she was a year and a half. He is the worst person that you could ever have a kid with. Sometimes I wish my daughter was from my husband!!But you always learn. "The Sperm Donor" is in to every drug you can think of and doesn't care.I have not heard from him in over 3 years!!He has threaten to take her from me and not give her back. He has threatened my husband.

All she knows as a father is my husband and we are all happy with that. I wish the sperm donor would give up his rights so that he will not have to pay child support nor worry about courts or anything.OMG he works my nerves just talking about him.

But the best thing to ever come out of it was my beautiful daughter,Cambria Jestin Burton. When me and my husband got married she said yes we are all part of the Williford family now. Which made me so sad because i asked her what her name was and she said Cambria Jestin Williford...:( i had to tell her no hunny you will have to wait me and daddy have to go get your name changed but you are still part of our family even thought you do not have the same last name.

I love my daughter and will do anything for her!!!!!!!!

taking for granted

Man so many people take all kinds of things for granted. Not everyone has a great life. There are many people who has a hard life. Has to wake up with no one by them. Has to go out and look for a job cause they do not have one. I always look at all the stuff that I have had to go through to get where I am. We help out so many people because we know it is NOT easy.

A single mom trying to take care of her 2 kids....A sturggling father trying to provide for his family. So many things are not perfect but the best thing you can ever do it work at it all. Don't ever give up. Don't ever take anything fro granted. If you ever get help from anyone always remember if you get up there help people out when you get a chance.

A little kid has only one time to grow and people who break there hearts will end up without them in there lifes. You know they follow people in there lives and if they get hurt by many people to many times then it will hurt the kids in the long run. Do not ever promise a kid something and then bail on them!!!!